Saturday, January 23, 2010

America, America

Forget Japan, I am really proud of all the enthralling American headlines this month. NEWSFLASH: I LIKE GOSSIP!

3!
CONAN VS. LENO
Huge entertainment scandal. David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno are the three big late night talk show comedians in America. Letterman is a classic offbeat jerk, and Conan is weirder, more hip and popular with college kids. Leno is squeaky clean and old people like him, but he and Letterman have been enemies since Leno screwed him over by stealing the iconic The Tonight Show out from under him 17 years ago. I love feuds! Last June, Leno passed the Tonight Show torch to Conan and made a new show of his own at an earlier time. It didn't do well. So he took Conan's spot back! Oooh! Slimeball! Celebrities and fans have rallied around Conan, and Leno's been slammed in the press, even though he won and Conan's off the air now. I LOVE FEUDS!



2!
SENATOR BEEFCAKE
This is the new Republican U.S. Senator, Scott Brown, posing for Cosmopolitan magazine in 1982. Brown's surprise victory destroyed the Democrats' super-majority in the Senate, likely the final blow for Obama's attempted health-care reform, but the point is, Scott Brown's nickname in the press is Senator Beefcake.

...VS.

PRESIDENT DREAMBOAT

Sweet America, hot mess!

1!
GOOGLE VS. CHINA
(These are the Google Guys)
OH SHIT! Google vs. China?! As huge corporations go, Google is an interesting company with an attractive philosophy. It was a big deal when they agreed to comply with Chinese censorship laws so they could do business there, because it went against their stated belief in free and open access to information and their motto (Don't Be Evil). Google claimed that it was better to provide some access to new information than none at all. Now Google's fed up with cyber-attacks on their systems targeting the email accounts of Chinese human rights activists. They believe the attacks are supported by the Chinese government and they are threatening to pack up and leave. Now Obama and Clinton are demanding answers from the Chinese government regarding the attacks and criticizing the restriction of information, Chinese officials are pissed, and Google looks really cool.

Honorable Mention
HEIDI MONTAG DOES SOMETHING INTERESTING
I don't hate tabloid celebrities like Paris Hilton or Heidi Montag. I doubt they're any dumber than the average person and I don't call girls sluts or whores, so there's no shit for me to talk. But as an indicator of what many of my peers find interesting, they do depress me. I guess I have actively disliked Heidi Montag in particular for being the most obnoxiously boring one. A couple of months ago she disappeared from the press, which was weird because the bulk of her career, seriously, is posing for paparazzi while making obnoxious beauty queen/centerfold faces. It turns out she was in recovery after having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day and now she looks like a dead person.

Look at that miserable face! She looks like she's in shock! I am so intrigued by her weird corpse eyes that I want to pay attention to her now. Celebrity therapist of celebrities Dr. Drew says, “...what I call this is female cross dressing. In other words a woman that over accentuates her femaleness – who becomes a Barbie doll – that always really concerns me. That suggests some significant trauma." Way to show some grit, Montag!

I can't read more than a few dozen kanji, so I can't read gossip about Japanese celebrities and politicians. It's so sad, I'm almost motivated to study.

7 comments:

Julie said...

Haha, seriously?? I love Heidi Montag! Check out her and her ken doll husband's staged pictures!

swine flu
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_QJd-_MyW3FQ/SflTTNc9syI/AAAAAAAAAgw/qWeKqddFwwE/s400/heidi_montag.jpg

Low-profile Bday party
http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20080916/293.montag.pratt.091608.jpg

grocery shopping
http://cm1.theinsider.com/thumbnail/400/638/cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/93/81/heidi-montag-melons-8278-16preview.jpg

best life ever Barbie
http://sonnietrotter.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/heidi-montag-spencer-pratt-skiing.jpg

and have you heard her eurotrash dance music? and the music video her husband made of her on the beach?

I have never seen her reality shows, so I hope she's not annoying. In pictures, she looks like the most hilarious person ever. She looks like she is having a retarded joke at everyone elses's expense (literally, because she's rolling in money from all the photos she stages with her husband)

Whitney Turner said...

I have never followed the Heidi/Spencer tabloids but after looking at those pic, Julie, I secretly want to research them. How sad!

Beth, dude, that's the dreamiest pic of Obama EVER. Siiigggh. It's okay to crush on the pres, it's cool these days.

Jen B said...

Can you do this regularly? I like to go to one place for all my essential news needs.

Kelley said...

When that TV interview of Heidi Montag was taken, she was still puffy from the surgery. I think the same is true of the photo shoot. I dunno why she couldn't wait another week or two before doing it, but that helped make her look weird and drugged (and she was on pain killers after 10 surgeries, I'm sure!).

Beth said...

Julie, when you put it like that I can imagine seeing the appeal. I first saw her on The Hills and I still can't believe anyone watches that show. She never said a single interesting thing. Then I saw interviews with her and her stupid husband Spencer Pratt, like how they want to adopt a child from Africa and name him "DUNK" because he'll definitely be tall and play basketball. Then they were everywhere saying half-outrageous stuff but it was obviously just to stay in the press so it wasn't even offensive or outrageous. Her husband is so gross.

I'm with Letterman:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InH9mQ2Mw1w

But I agree, if it were satire it would be perfect...

http://snarkerati.com/celebrity-gossip/files/2008/10/heidi_montag_spencer_pratt102208.jpg

I am opening my mind now, she really is getting more interesting. Or maybe I'm just sick?

Beth said...

Whitney, who can resist that breezy smile and those perfect shirts?

Jen B, ha! I will!

Kelley, I read that, too. She probably knew this would be more interesting than waiting. I hope she gets even weirder. Not in like, a sad way. Or is it already sad? Or not? I'm Googling it either way. Hopefully Montag is more Janice Dickinson than Anna Nicole.

I think her surgeries are a shame, though. I thought she was boring but when I see the before and after I can't believe she found that much personality to cut off of her face. People have a right to look how they want, and the Barbie look is fab to lots of people, but I always think it's weird when it seems like people are trying to erase every last distinctive personal feature they might have without trying to capitalize on it. I'm not saying she should have capitalized on the chin but isn't she just shaving all of her features down to look like Barbie? Because that's been so DONE.

Beth said...

also i think her new track is fly enough