5. Bad breath.Brush your fucking teeth. Fuck. How old are you? It smells like you've had a dead fish stuck in your throat all week. Whenever that rotten breeze hits my nose I think about how I'm actually breathing your nasty exhaled cat-breath into my own lungs and I want to barf.
4. Reading porn.Hi, I'm a middle-aged businessman in a suit. I look so respectable. I am a pillar of society. The best part of my day is when I stop by the station kiosk to pick up the latest copy of my favorite shitty soft-core porn comic book full of junior high schoolgirls in sexual situations, then sit down on the train in the middle of all the real-life junior high schoolgirls and flip through it in front of them. Adult men like me just want young girls to know, HEY! Little ladies! We're thinking about fucking you! So if you're thinking you can look to us for advice or guidance or support in life, well, we're thinking about fucking you.
3. Sleeping on me.Dear stupid gross jerk from last week: Hilarious! -- how you kept uncontrollably dozing off and slumping all the way over onto me over and over no matter how hard I woke you up with my elbow or pushed you upright, and then when another seat opened and I moved, you suddenly sat up and started intently playing your DS.
2. Using me as a recliner.This one is bad because it's painful and mean. It only happens once in awhile on packed trains. These guys hold onto the handle and then relax by leaning their bodies back, putting all their weight on the back of the person behind them. Has this ever happened to you? It's so uncomfortable, it pushes your body forward and you can't do anything about it because there's nowhere to move and you can't push back much against the entire body weight of someone bigger and heavier than you when you've got no leverage. If it's really bad I'll bust out the elbows but they just ignore it -- one even scowled over his shoulder at me. But I can see they've got space in front of them to stand up straight. They just want to lean. It's so selfish! :(
1. Picking your nose.They don't just pick their noses, these guys! They dig, without shame, head held high, mouth wide open, sometimes for several minutes, stopping to inspect whatever they've got on their fingers, dusting their hands out in front of them to spread their booger-dust everywhere. SERIOUSLY WTF. This is the only thing that will make me give up a seat on my long commute. I wear a lot of black. One sprinkling was enough.